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How To Date A Monster

Painted Hearts Publishing

Heat Rating: SCORCHING
Word Count: 72,490
Available Formats
PDF
ePub
Mobi

Werewolf swipe right, Vampire swipe left? Dating apps just got magical!

Cora’s day went from bad to worse after finding out that her dirt bag ex-boyfriend had announced his engagement to the woman he’d left her for. Deciding that she was through with men—the human kind, anyway—Cora turns to the new human-monster dating app, CINDER. With the swipe of a screen, Cora soon finds herself socializing in the world of vampires, elves, and even the occasional satyr. As she struggles through bad dates - and even worse, unsolicited dick pics - Cora discovers that finding love - in either world - isn't easy.

Excerpt

When I first downloaded the Cinder app, I was drunk. While out with friends, I downloaded the app for a laugh. We swiped through the pictures, ogled the sexy elves, and speculated over who would hook up with a bridge troll. So when days later I got an alert, it took me a moment to even remember what it was. Then I almost erased the app.

I probably should have erased it, but it was a stunningly lousy day. On the way out the door in the morning I spilled coffee on myself. I had to go back and change, making me late to work. From there the day went downhill, and I never managed to claw my way back to the top. Somewhere around lunch time, my friend texted me to say my ex-boyfriend of six years had posted engagement photos online. I’d never even been able to get the bastard to meet my mother, and here he was posing barefoot on the beach with some chick he had known for six months while she flashed a rock. At that point I unofficially gave myself the afternoon off, kicking off the countdown until I could get a drink.

I was not okay about him getting married. It would be nice to say I didn’t care and was totally over him. I wasn’t. Up until the engagement photos got posted, we had still been talking, and I had sort of thought maybe we would get back together, which just showed what a fool I was. Hell, I was pretty sure he’d slept with me since he’d been with his soon-to-be wife, which just went to show what a dirt bag he was.

Better to be a fool than a dirt bag…the short, sad story of how I got to my current problem. Not that getting an alert was a problem per se, but it did present a quandary. I’m a human. Usually, our interactions with the magical world are limited, and I wasn’t sure I wanted my first foray there to be via a hookup app.

My finger hovered over the screen of my phone. Fuck it, I thought, and laughed at my own pun before opening the app to see the notification.

Jabberwocky has sent you a Cin.

The thought “Beware the Jabberwocky” ran through my head, but then I remembered the Jabberwocky didn’t survive the poem. Perhaps, like most user names, all the clever ones were already taken, and it probably meant less than I thought. There was a picture of the Jabberwocky. He was cute, but not in a way that would make you look over your shoulder at him. In fact, he looked almost disappointingly normal compared to some of the orc profiles I had swiped past. I scrolled down further until I found what I was looking for. He’d left the species section blank but, buried in the list of questions he’d responded to, I found the answer. Or more precisely I learned he ‘didn’t want to let his vampirism define him’.

I scrolled back up to look at the picture again. Jabberwocky looked nothing like the mysterious and deadly handsome vampires I’d seen in movies and on magazine covers. He was a faded bronze, with dark hair and brown eyes. His skin was just starting to crinkle around his eyes, as if he smiled a lot. His crooked grin showed just a hint of teeth. I zoomed in but couldn’t make out even a hint of fang. The alert icon flashed again.

I pushed it and a message from Jabberwocky popped up.

Hi. I noticed we are in the same area, and we have some of the same interests. Maybe I can buy you a cup of coffee one night? :[

It took a moment for me to realize the :[ was a vampire face and not some sort of frowning robot.

I panicked that he knew my interests. I started flipping through the app and realized I must have drunkenly logged in from my social networking site. I hadn’t fully exposed myself, but there I was in my profile picture in a wedding photo booth. I wasn’t sure what it meant that a vampire had messaged a woman whose picture was of her in a boa holding a mustache on a stick over her mouth as she made duck lips at the camera. It was also sort of weird to think of the orcs, trolls, and satyrs who must have all swiped past my picture without stopping, which was almost insulting. Not that I wanted to be hit on by an orc, but I didn’t want to be rejected by one either.

Before I could change my mind I sent off a quick reply, or “Cin” as the app titled them.

I’d love to meet but how about a drink instead of coffee. Does tonight work?

At least this way I wouldn’t have to drink alone. I had a few friends who would be happy to hold down my sorrows while I drowned them in cheap booze, but I didn’t feel like talking about the engagement photos. Everyone would want to talk about my feelings. I didn't want to talk about them. I wanted to pretend I didn't have any. It hadn’t been a particularly ugly breakup, so I assume they were all still friends with him online and saw the pictures. I tried not to look at my phone for as long as I possibly could, which was all of about twenty minutes. The little notification light was blinking, so I tapped on it.

Sure. Meet me at Amuse.

Amuse was a popular local wine bar with a good reputation. It wasn't my kind of scene, but since I was looking to shake things up, it was the perfect place to meet. I could go there with a vampire and pretend to be better than I was. A new, more sophisticated version of myself who went to chic wine bars with handsome vampires and didn't embarrass herself.

How about 9?

Which would give me enough time to get ready but not enough to lose my nerve. As soon as he sent back a reply saying he was looking forward to it, I already found myself regretting it. What had I gotten myself into?

Adult Excerpt

“You turning furry,” I reminded him and tugged at his chest hair. Being held like this made me happy, and our bodies were warming up. I wanted to snuggle deeper into him, but I didn’t want to turn my face away, so I threw my leg over him. He ran his free hand down my leg and back up so it came to rest between my legs. He didn’t move his hand, just held it there touching me.

“It’s genetic, more or less. Sometimes people get turned if they marry into the pack. Mostly we just marry other wolves and have lots of little fur babies. I grew up in the north pack tribe and spent most of my childhood in my wolf skin.”

“Oh.” I couldn’t think of anything more coherent to say. I was having a hard time not rubbing up against his hand. As it was, I could feel myself growing wetter.

“Yes. Even now I can feel my wolf under my skin. He’s always there. Sniffing the air and trying to get me to hump your leg.” Pete started humping my leg, and I couldn’t stop laughing. When my mouth was open in laughter, he kissed me as if he was trying to suck the soul out of my body. The kiss consumed me. I could feel it deep in my chest. I threw my arms around him. His whole hand rubbed between my legs as he kissed me, and his other hand cupped the back of my head. Soon I was panting and squirming under his hand as the urge to come built. He took his hand away.

I pulled back from kissing him and said, “Hey! Why’d you stop! I was almost there!”

“I know. That’s why I stopped. You’re going to have to work for it a bit, Pet.”

Pete lowered his mouth to my neck and kissed his way up to my ear while his hands explored my body. He had his hands everywhere, grabbing my ass and rubbing my nipples. He ran his hands down my stomach and returned to rubbing, this time, he was only using two fingers. I was already so worked up I almost went over the edge right away. Once again he pulled back. I worked his smooth and warm cock in my hands. He moaned a bit as he sucked on my earlobe. Again he reached his hand down. He circled my clit, his fingers sliding easily around because I was so wet from wanting him. He toyed with going inside of me, teasing me with just one shallow finger. It wasn't nearly enough to satisfy me. I wanted more. I needed more.

“Please, please,” I begged, “I can’t take it anymore.”

“Are you ready? Do you want me? Do you want me inside of you?”

“Yes, yes, oh, God, yes,” I begged as I tried to pull him to me by the penis.

“Do you want me like this or,” he paused, and his cock in my hand shifted until I was holding something different. The tip was swollen and wider than the base and the skin on it seemed looser. “Like this?”

“What is that?” I asked.

“My half-form cock. It’s a hybrid of my human dick and my wolf one. If it freaks you out, I can change it back, but I thought maybe you would want to try something different.”

There was a vulnerability in his voice I hadn’t expected. “I...” I started to say and paused, “...yes. I want to feel it inside me.” A small thrill went through my stomach.

“Are you sure?” he asked again, and instead of saying anything I pulled it toward me. “Ah, ah, ah, not yet. Let’s get you a little bit more worked up.”

Pete rubbed me again as I rubbed his strange penis, exploring its new shape. I told myself I wouldn’t beg, but at the end, I begged. When he slid into me, I went over the edge and, for the first time in my life, came without something rubbing my clit. It was glorious feeling. I yanked his hair in excitement, which he didn’t seem to mind. When I calmed down, his strange cock inside me, with its enlarged tip, hit the right spot. I was back on the edge, and with a few quick strokes, I was over again. This time he came with me.

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