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The Filthy Classics

A modern, erotic adaptation of Jane Austen

excessica publishing

Heat Rating: SCORCHING
Word Count: 34,145
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These stories are a naughty, modern adaptation of Jane Austen’s favorite classics.

In “Pride and Penetration”, Beth Bennet finds herself attracted to the arrogant, yet charismatic, Mr. Darcy. What ensues are a series of steamy situations with sexy characters and even hotter romance.

In “Sense and Sexuality”, the Dashwood sisters discover that love is complicated, and sex is hot. Marianne falls hard for the charming and handsome, Mr. Willoughby, while Elinor pines for Edward, who has a secret.

Emma Woodhouse plays matchmaker for her slutty friend, Harriet, in “Naughty Emma”, and lusts after the one person she never thought she’d hook up with.

“Highly recommend for a quick, naughty read. (It even has a Happy for now ending! How can you go wrong!?)” – Sir’s Kitten

“I suspect the author had a heck of a good time writing this.” – Erotica Lover, USA.

“Virginia has brought it up to the present and it makes a lovely twist to the original.” – Pete, UK.


Daddy slapped the table, making the salt and peppershakers rattle. “It’s settled then. Your mother has solved all of our problems. While this Bingley person is marrying one of our daughters, can you get him to write a check for the mortgage?” He held up his fingers, showing a space between them. “We’re this close to being thrown out on our ass.”

My mother pursed her lips. “Oh, stop it. The banks are overloaded with foreclosures. They won’t even bother with us for years.” She gave Jane a huge smile. “You and Beth should go for a walk and flaunt those hot young bodies. This neighborhood has an eligible bachelor. Go work the pavement.” She shooed us away with her hands. “Now go! Snag a rich husband, and put your family out of misery.”

Having been given our orders, my sister and I took the family Shih Tzu for a spin around the block, where the dog stopped repeatedly to lift his leg and urinate against each and every stationary object.

I wore a pair of shorts and a bland t-shirt. I kicked a pebble and grumbled, “This is ridiculous.”

Jane watched in horror as Muffy squatted on an immaculate lawn. “I’m not picking that up.”

There were strict rules regarding the removal of pet waste at Netherfield Ranch. I pulled on the leash, dragging the dog away in mid-shit, lest anyone perceive that the Bennet sisters had yet again befouled the neighborhood. The poor dog was forced to defecate in the street.

Whilst we were making a hasty and disgraceful exit, a golf cart approached in the distance, occupied by two men, who looked to be in their late twenties. As they neared, I cast Jane a look.

“Would that be the Mr. Bingley?” The tone in my voice was teasing. “OMG, Jane! We’re about to encounter the rich bachelor.”

She laughed, and, as always, her face lit up like a Christmas tree filled with angel ornaments. As the cart approached, the driver stared at Jane. She had yet to gain the upper hand over her amusement, and she giggled helplessly. He stopped the cart abruptly, forcing his passenger to hold on to the seat.

“Whoa there, cowboy. Are you trying to kill us?” The passenger wore a pair of sunglasses, but the chiseled curves of his face gave away the fact that he was incredibly handsome.

“Hello, ladies,” said the driver, flashing a bright smile. His sandy colored hair matched the stripes on his shirt.

Jane grinned. “Hi.”

“I’m new to the neighborhood.” He held out his hand. “Mr. Bingley, at your service.”

Reaching out, Jane shook his hand. “I’m Jane.”

“This is my friend, Mr. Darcy.” He turned to the dark haired passenger, who nodded, but said nothing.

“Nice day for a walk, isn’t it?”

“This is my sister, Beth.”

“Hello, Beth.”


The way Mr. Darcy eyed me had my skin tingling, which was weird. He stared at my chest, or at least that’s where I thought his eyes were. He had yet to remove the sunglasses.

“I’m having a house warming party Saturday night. You and your family are more than welcome to attend,” said Mr. Bingley.

Oh, my God. My mother would just love that.

“That sounds nice,” said Jane.

He eyed her with interest. “This neighborhood sure got a lot hotter all of a sudden.”

Jane blushed. I rolled my eyes. Give me a break. These two wolves were on the prowl for fresh meat. I’d encountered the type before. Pulling on Muffy’s lead, I said, “Thanks for the invite. We’ll think about it.”

Mr. Darcy removed his sunglasses and stared at me. I wasn’t prepared for how handsome he was, and the shock must have been evident on my face. His eyes traveled up and down the length of my body, making my nipples harden instantly. This reaction was singularly peculiar, and, as my pussy throbbed, I wondered what the hell was going on? One look had done that? Oh, wow.

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