From: Tanzaniel Purplemane, CEO, Magical Pharmaceuticals, Inc.
To: All Stable Managers, Unicorn Division
Re: Suggestions to combat dropping droppings production
Our unicorn herd is the largest in existence, and we have a duty to provide our customers with the products they need. In recent months, production of both the Rainbow Lung-Cure™, which has been shown to cure all lung ailments, including lung cancer and COPD, has dropped to less than half of quota, while the production of Hair-Grow Apples™, which can cause even the baldest of heads to sprout new hair, has been well over quota, indicating that the unicorns are eating enough but aren’t producing enough gas.
Suspecting a dietary culprit, we undertook a study of means by which gas production could be increased. Our findings are detailed below, along with instructions for implementation.
Unicorns will only work with virgins, and the happier the unicorns are, the gassier they are. Unicorns use gas as part of their language, farting to express pleasure or excitement. Non-virginal stablehands inhibit gas production. Please have all employees tested for impurity on an annual basis along with random screenings as needed. Any stablehands found to no longer be virginal are to report to the infirmary for repair or face immediate termination of position. Please hang reminder posters in the employee lounge to the effect that even impure thoughts can put a unicorn off her feed, which, in turn, will decrease production of the Rainbow Lung-Cure™. To combat this, we will increase the presence of the Vampiric Thought Police, especially at night when the Impurity Imps are at their most active. Imp netting has already been issued to the stables; managers are responsible for hanging the netting around the stables and barracks for best effect.