“If I do this with you, then what?” Ethan hadn’t meant the statement to sound so accusatory but he couldn’t help himself. He was sure there was more to William’s motives for needing his help. It seemed better for them both if Ethan came right out with it rather than dancing around the issue.

William wiped his mouth before answering him. “Pardon?”

“Nothing, I --”

“I’m not here to get you back.”

That statement hit Ethan like a punch to the gut. It was what he wanted, right? If not, he would never have left. After all, they couldn't have continued on as they were. It had been messy and painful. Ethan had no choice but to leave for his own sanity. William would never change, and his being here only proved that. The man couldn't stay out of trouble if his life depended on it.

“I’m not, I swear,” William said. “But I need your help. I hate like hell. I have to admit that, but I do.”

He returned to his meal in silence, aware of William’s watchful stare. Finally, it seemed as if William couldn’t take the silence. He pushed his plate away and scooted back in his seat.

“And before you say it, I’ll admit, I fucked up and got in bed with the wrong guys. Not literally,” he added when Ethan lifted his head from his plate. “But without you, I was a bit of a mess for a while. My plan was to scrape together a little cash, enough to get somewhere warm, try to start over. I don’t know, it seems dumb now.”

Ethan rose from his seat and began clearing the dishes, even though they hadn’t finished eating.

William stopped him with a hand on his wrist. Ethan glanced back at William, who had the good sense to look apologetic before sliding his hand away.

“I’m sorry.”

Ethan sighed. “You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“For all of it. For all the shit I put you through, the shit I’m putting you through now.”

Ethan opened his mouth to say something snarky, but the sadness in William’s eyes undid him. It always did.

He carried the plates into the kitchen, and placed them in the sink harder than he meant to. Ethan tried to get his thoughts together, clear his head, but it was too full of memories. Memories of him and William, and how it felt to be in his arms. The one place Ethan had ever felt safe, but it had been an illusion.

William couldn’t keep a goldfish alive, for fuck's sake.

From behind him, William rose from the table. His chair scraping across the uneven floorboards. He approached cautiously. One foot at a time, like a hunter circling a deer, afraid of sending his prey running off in the opposite direction.

“Hey,” he whispered to his back. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s just a lot,” Ethan said, facing him. He didn’t know how to stop himself now that it was all coming out. The words poured out of him in a rush. Like someone had opened the floodgates, and he couldn’t contain the destruction. “I missed you, you ass. I missed you so much it --”

He didn’t get the chance to finish. William took three steps across the floor and seized his face between his palms. For a beat of a pulse, their eyes met and held. Ethan sucked in a painful, desperate breath before William’s mouth was on his. Hungry and demanding, whispering between those slow kisses, long and deep. “I missed you too. I missed you so much.”

He’d sure as hell regret this in the morning, like he regretted everything with William. But he also couldn’t deny that there wasn’t a soul in the world who’d ever made him feel like this. Say what you want about the man. He may have had the worst luck in the world, but no one was a better kisser. Ethan already felt good and fucked, and they hadn’t even gotten undressed yet.

Still, Ethan knew this couldn’t go there, anywhere like where’d been. Falling into bed together would only make matters worse. He resisted the temptation, even though his body was begging him to give in. Wanted William to take everything, again and again, until they destroyed each other. He didn’t care anymore. Except he did, and he’d vowed when he left he was leaving for good. He couldn’t be this weak of a person. Not even for William.

“No, wait, stop. Don’t --” Ethan pushed William away from him. He refused to look at him. “I just can’t. I can’t do this.”

William’s hands slid away, and Ethan mourned their loss immediately. “Shit. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” He took a step back, giving him space, but Ethan didn’t want space. He wanted William to kiss him again, which made everything worse.