To: SmittenKitten

From: Nigel 432

Are you out there, my feline goddess? Do you share my soul-crushing loneliness, trapped in an empty relationship with one of our so-called owners? Have you struggled with these infernal keys, applying your delicate paws to the task of tapping out a message of longing into the void of the Internet? Do you have amber eyes and a breath redolent of catnip?

If only…if only…

All right, there it is. My first foray into the unknown land of Internet dating for cats. Now what? You claim to be on the level, but just who are you, anyway? Human or feline? I suspect the former, and that worries me. Your site looks a little shady to me. But okay, fine, I’ll give it a shot.

I will defer filling out the questionnaire until you convince me that it’s worth my time and energy. I have my paws full dealing with Frank, the bozo who’s supposed to look after me. Just to give you a sense of what it’s like here, check out this exchange I overheard between Frank and his next-door neighbor, Marvin.

Frank: “It’s really cool that cats have X-ray vision. They can see in the dark!”

Marvin: “What are you talking about? Cats don’t have X-ray vision.”

Frank: “Oh, right. I meant infra-red vision.”

Marvin: “Dude, they don’t have infra-red vision either.”

Frank: “Damn, cats really suck!”

See what I have to put up with? Worse yet, Frank’s a drunkard. Last night he passed out with his face in the litter box. And I really had to go! But I fixed his wagon. I dumped on his pillow.

Well, it’s after eleven o’clock, so I’d better find a place to curl up for the night. I’ve only had twelve hours of sleep today.

Your move, Smitten…