Another year has passed for the Icicle family. Again, Jonah and his boyfriend Sandy travel to Lake Erie to spend Christmas with Jonah’s family. Brother-in-law Bobo needs rescuing from the mall from an angry Santa. Sister Willa is dog-sitting a problematic Reginald. And Bill, the patriarch, continues to hide from his family. As for Jonah’s pushy mother Pam, she has a special Christmas gift for him this year: Jonah’s ex-boyfriend, NFL quarterback Ricky, is in town and will be spending the holidays with them!
During this three-day trip, Sandy and Ricky learn to despise each other, and Jonah struggles to have a festive Christmas. If Pam has her way, though, Jonah will dump Sandy and marry the quarterback. As his Christmas spirit dwindles, Jonah finds himself torn between the two men. Which boyfriend will it be, new or old?
The two-floor Tudor with its wrought-iron door comprised of metal roses, and a castle-like tower in gray-black brick on its left side, still reminds Jonah of something out of Game of Thrones. The picket fence surrounding the postage stamp-size front yard is covered in fresh snow. Again, Jonah recalls the fond first eighteen years of his life living here: Jake beating him up anytime he could, Willa being a chatterbox, and their mother on some kind of unthinkable rampage, bitching all the time, maybe drinking too much. Home sweet home. Then and now.
Willa and Bobo’s new electric car, a Nissan Leaf, sits in the drive. It’s parked behind Pam’s beat-up minivan that has over 150,000 miles on it; a backfiring beast that finally needs slain and recycled. Bill doesn’t own car since he likes to take the bus, or he sometimes drives Pam’s van. And Jake doesn’t own a vehicle since he’s too high all the time and can’t keep a job and make car payments. No surprise regarding this topic.
Sandy checks out the burgundy electric car. “Small. Affordable. Kind of on the cute side. Cozy. Queer. Looks like any other car, I guess. I’m sure Willa loves it and Bobo has a hard time fitting inside it. He’s bigger than the car.”
“Willa tells me that she and Bobo save over a hundred and fifty dollars a month for gas. They simply plug into something called a Juicebox and charge it. She hasn’t mentioned that it’s too small for Bobo’s size.”
“These cares are the way of the future,” Sandy says. “I see more of these on the road now than I ever have. Maybe it will be our next vehicle.”
Our, Jonah catches. What’s he mean by this? Does Sandy see them together for years to come? Is marriage in our near future? Hmm, again. How strange.
Jonah says, “Your truck is like a hardworking man. It doesn’t give up and puts everything forward.”
Sandy winks at Jonah. “Are you trying to seduce me with your nice words about my truck?”
“Could be. Only if we get some romance time in during these few days. I hope you’re game.”
Ending their conversation, Bobo rushes out of the Tudor. Why he’s dressed as a giant elf -- elf hat with golden bells, a green leotard pulled down to his hips, and red elf shoes with golden Christmas tree bulbs -- is beyond Jonah’s thinking. Bobo’s chest is bare: hard nipples that can cut through ice, clean-shaven and shiny skin, muscled like a wrestler’s. Jonah’s surprised stare falls to Bobo’s center, below his puckered navel. He sees that the man is huge in the basement area; one of the reasons why Willa says she married him. The green leotard leaves nothing to the imagination, particularly two gay guys arriving for Christmas with the family. Jonah guesses the guy’s dick is six inches soft and two inches wide in the material. Plus, his balls have to be the size of spherical tree ornaments, unexpectedly large.
“What the fuck is he dressed in?” Sandy exclaims, not being coy and whispering.
“Something we shouldn’t look at since it’s pornographic.”
“Don’t even tell me he’s working with Santa down at the mall. I wouldn’t want my kid anywhere near him with his dick showing like it is.”
Jonah is overcome by laughter and hides his wide mouth with the back of his right hand, attempts to be discreet, but miserably fails at the task.
Bobo runs up to the two men. His fat goods shift to and fro between his thighs, under the leotard. He wraps his arms around Jonah and Sandy, bringing the three of them together, pulls them forward, and presses the two men against his Hulk-like torso. He kisses their cheeks, their foreheads, their necks, pulls away, and excitedly says, "I've missed the poo out of you gents. I'm glad you're here for the holiday!"
Jonah thinks that Sandy will react badly to Bobo's affectionate attack, but he doesn't. Maybe Sandy, like Jonah, perceives the scene as innocent and family-friendly because there's a large smile spread over Sandy's handsome face.
Bobo does a fully embraced pirouette on the sidewalk near the truck. “How do you like my elf costume? I’m working pro bono down at the Toy House this season. Santa hates me, but the kids love me.”
More like pro boner, Jonah thinks, smirking.
The front door of the Tudor pushes open behind Bobo. Pam steps out on the stoop. She holds the front door's wrought-iron handle with one hand while her other hand rests on her left hip. In typical Pam fashion, she yells through the falling snow, "Bobo! Get in here and stop running around the neighborhood as an elf! You’re embarrassing your wife!" Her eyes are almost fist-size snowballs. "Your junk is hanging out and you're making a scene! Have some manners! Have some couth! I can’t believe you work with kids in that outfit! Put some real clothes on, young man!"
Most of her yelling is false. Part of Bobo's junk isn't hanging out. Truth is, all of his private parts are pushed inside the green leotard. Although his outfit doesn't leave anything to one's imagination, he's still covered in all the proper areas. Such a good Bobo.
As if on cue, a play unfolds for the visiting boyfriends. Willa positions herself behind Pam at the door and pops her head over Pam's left shoulder. She screams, "Bobo! What are you doing? Jesus Christ! Are you kidding me? I’ve told you not to wear that outfit! And leave those two men alone! Get in here! Now!"
Pam threatens, "Goddammit, Bobo! Listen to your wife, young man! Don't make me come out in this snow and tear you up! I've done it before and I'll do it again!"
Jonah says to Sandy, waving a finger, "Never ... never underestimate the power of my mother. I've seen her jump over a campfire just to get her palms around Jake's throat. Jake was twelve at the time and called some girl a bitch. Pam flipped out on him. Jake never called anyone a bitch after that."
More excitement occurs on the stoop. Willa says, "Bobo, if you don't come in this house right now I will cut you off! No sex through January! No naked play! Do you hear me?"
"I'm coming! I'm coming!" Bobo yells over his left shoulder, turns back to Sandy and Jonah. "The fun's over, boys. Maybe next time we can play Santa’s Elves together."
Jonah's unsure what the game of Santa’s Elves is, and how to play it, but he's curious about the gig, pretty sure it’s naughty. He becomes disappointed that he won't be able to find out the details behind Bobo's game. And by the look on Sandy’s face, pink confusion at his mouth and semi-wide eyes, he too is slightly disappointed. Oh well. The holiday rolls on.
Slumped shoulders, Bobo walks to the Tudor, head down, and trudging.
Sandy shares, "He’s like a boy in a man’s body. Just as I remember him.”
“He’ll never change,” Jonah responds. “Come on, let’s get our bags and go see Jake and my dad.”