It’s about time writer Jonah Icicle takes Sandy Keye’s hand in marriage ... on Christmas Day!
The Icicle family is upside down again and who better to rescue them? Jonah, of course. As a blizzard builds outside, his fiancé Sandy becomes concerned the storm might threaten their wedding day. No fear, though -- Jonah gears up and plows forward, ready to face the snow and the Icicles.
A new addition to the family surprises him -- Magnum McKee, a snow buddy who happens to be his brother-in-law Bobo’s sexual therapy partner. Magnum causes a rift between Jonah’s two younger siblings, Jake and Willa. The brother and sister are in a face-off concerning Magnum’s position in Willa’s “threesome” marriage. Can Jonah smooth out their sibling rivalry before his happy day?
His mohter Pam is hiding a secret. Where is she running off to again? Something is going on and Jonah must get to the bottom of it. And his father Bill hangs out in the neighbor’s basement. Jonah has to help put a stop to his straying before he ends up in the next town over.
Throw a blizzard into the mix, Jonah’s bottom catching on fire, matching Christmas-themed briefs between Magnum and Bobo, a human snowman, and a wedding coordinator on cocaine. Despite all this, will Jonah have the perfect wedding on Christmas Day? Will he have the chance to marry the man he loves or not?
Between noon and two, because Cookie Coke is apparently high on coke, and because Jonah doesn’t feel he can honestly count on the woman to accomplish her duties, he and Sandy sit at the dining room table, skim through their cell phones for important wedding-related contacts, and reach out to: The Tiers of Batter to see if the cake will be delivered to The Golden Mongoose through hell or high snow. Missy Brightchild takes Jonah’s call, a prissy little bitch who says, “We’re professionals. Through rain, shine, and almost two feet of snow, your cake will be at the reception.”
Pastor Blaine Hardwick tells Sandy in an almighty tone, “God sometimes likes a thick layer of icing on his Christmas days, and He never has a day off from church.” Sandy’s unsure exactly what this means, but attempts to translate Pastor Blaine’s him haw as a show for the day. Praise Jesus!
Gloria Rontunda, the manager of The Golden Mongoose, tells Jonah, “We may be short-staffed because of the blizzard, or whatever you want to call this snowstorm, but the place will be open for your use. I can’t count on a full meal, but we will do our best to make your guests, if they arrive, happy.” Jonah, under the current conditions, thinks this fair, and rolls ahead with his calling.
The harpist, Hildegard Banter, a petite red-headed vixen who just turned fifty, but sounds as if she’s twelve, explains to Sandy, “Oh, sweet thing. I have a lumberjack nephew named Hogan. He has one of those monster trucks that he performs in and runs things over. It goes through snow like a hot knife through butter. So I will be at the church on time. There’s no need to worry about me, sweetheart.”
Roberto Luna of Love Your Daisies Floral shuffles through papers for almost a minute and informs Sandy, “Your flowers are already at 120 Chapel Road, Cutter Church. They were dropped off last evening at seven o’clock. A Blaine Hardwick signed for them.”
Jonah reaches out to The Melodramatic Sisters, an acoustic jazz group. Barb Candor, the lead vocal tells him, “We’re relying on Cynthia’s Hummer today. The thing is a tank. If it doesn’t go in the snow, I don’t know what will. But if we need a lift on your snowmobile we’ll let you know. Just so you know we’ve done shows before without our instruments.”
And last, but certainly not least, Jonah calls Liam Dickenson, the photographer. Liam’s phone rings once, twice, and three times. “He’s not picking up,” Jonah tells Sandy.
“Try him again,” Sandy says.
Jonah does. Liam’s phone rings off the hook again. Voice mail does not click on. Jonah’s face turns a blooming red. He huffs. “What are we going to do?”
“One, we’re not going to panic. Two, I’m sure the storm is preventing Liam from getting cell service. Three, all the guests will have cell phones. We’ll get Pastor Blaine to make an announcement at the church, right before the service that they can snap all the pics they want. Four, the guests can upload their pics onto Cookie’s website. She can make an album for us. In the end, there’s nothing to worry about if Liam shows, or doesn’t.”
Jonah high-fives Sandy. “Good thinking, and on such a short notice.”
“It’s one of my best qualities.”
Satisfied with their calling results, Jonah and Sandy meet in their temporary upstairs bedroom of the Icicle home. Here, they change into their tuxes and create themselves as handsome groomsmen, resembling penguins. And here, among the walls and floor where Jonah has spent his childhood, face to face, almost touching noses, Sandy asks, “Do you have the rings?”
Jonah pulls them out of a purple velvet satchel that looks as if it has come from a Dungeons and Dragons dice game. “Got them.”
“Don’t lose them, babe.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it.”
“Of course you wouldn’t.”