Sounds like So is a pretty special person, my friend Lilly messaged me the next day. Why don’t you try dating her?

I was smoking at work, and reading those words made me stop with my thumbs in mid-air for a second and laugh.

I can’t date her, I explained. For one thing, she lives in Pennsylvania. Indiana isn’t that far away, but I think it’s too far to be in a relationship with someone. And I think she thinks I’m too young because she’s ten years older than me. Not that Tiffany wasn’t about to turn forty-nine. So is special, but she’s my friend. I wouldn’t want to fuck that up.

I did have other friends besides So, a few select Facebook friends that I had known in real life at some point, but never saw in person anymore. We just messaged once in a while, and I confided in them about Luke or anything else that was going on, but it really wasn’t that deep. I was still unsatisfied. But So was filling a gap that had been empty for a long time.

She wasn’t just my friend, she was becoming my best friend. I could tell her anything, and she just rolled with it and always knew what to say. And anytime she wanted to tell me anything, I was available to listen, but sometimes I felt I was inferior in my abilities to help her.

You held me down, she liked to say. I want to be there for you whenever you need it.

I decided to tell her the real reason three of my books weren’t published anymore.

Five years ago I had a manic episode, I texted her. I started hearing voices, but at the time I didn’t realize it wasn’t real. I thought I could literally read minds. I thought everyone could, and I was just learning how to do it for the first time. I’d sit at work having full conversations with people in my head. I used to work full time. Used to have a house. A car. My son. And my books. But then I started being delusional. I thought the police were after me, and the only way I could avoid prison time was by pulling my books off the market. I broke my contracts with my publisher without giving any explanation. I was hospitalized for months. Things haven’t been the same for me ever since.

You’ll get a new publisher someday. Don’t give up.

I said I couldn’t date So, but I still thought she was fucking beautiful. And here we were both single. And here I was hypersexual.

So, I told her on Christmas Eve as I lay in bed. I wonder what would happen if we hung out together one night?

I think we’d have fun, she said. I’d take you out for drinks and show you around Pittsburgh. We could go dancing.

I smiled. I can’t dance. But I’d like to see you dance.

We could get a hotel afterwards, she suggested next.

I’d hold you in my arms and kiss you, I typed, sending the message before I could change my mind; bracing myself.

Baby, she replied.

Baby.

Adrenaline surged through my body just to read that word coming from her. It was almost violent. I was immediately turned on, not that I wasn’t always two seconds away from that state on any given day.